A Light in the Dark: A Tale of Resilience Following Bereavement | SOS: Stories of Survival

After Grandma passed away, it was as though everything had changed. In Australia, I was pursuing an MBA. My parents opted not to notify me about her passing while I was in the middle of my final exams because they feared it would distract me. Her eldest "Pota" (Grandson) was me. Her grandchild with blue eyes was me.

There, I was enjoying my own life, and every time I tried to ask about granny, the parents would always give me a nice response. Thirty days later, at last, they told me about my grandmother. I was distraught and started crying. I quickly purchased my ticket to India. Gaya, Bihar was home to my grandmother. It is also where I was born.

I couldn't get Grandma out of my head while traveling. For as long as I could remember, she had been a constant in my life—her steady hands, her loving hugs, her quiet knowledge. She was the one who, without having to say anything, could make the best of the worst circumstances by offering comfort. I had no idea how to make up for the huge void her loss had left. I finally made it to Gaya. By then, all the ceremonies had already been completed. My parents had wanted me to stay in Australia so I could attend the placement meetings, so I had come here against their will. I was furious with them. I had grown up around spiritualism because of my grandmother. At the time, I disagreed with their stance. There was, for whatever reason, a growing hatred aspect in my head for that. I was back at my grandmother's house, where I had grown up. Her favourite chair was empty as if she was waiting for me to return, and I could still smell the perfume of her cooking in the kitchen. The whole home felt her presence. I was afraid that if I let go, even those beautiful memories would start to fade, and on many evenings I would lie awake pondering over her giggle. But then something happened in an instant that began to alter everything. It was one of those long nights when you can't sleep. I came upon an antiquated letterbox. It appears that Granny had written these letters over the years. I just stared at the wall. After my grandpa passed away, none of her daughter-in-laws looked after her. I was afraid that by touching them, the wound would reopen. I knew about all the domestic politics in my family for her. Family members never thought of me as being out of my league because I had fought for her numerous times in the family.

She wrote those letters to her sons, but she has never shared them. I plucked up the bravery to begin reading those letters. Her sentiments were the topic of every letter. She was compelled to live alone as a result of her daughter-in-law's inappropriate behaviour. I realised how alone she was after reading those letters! All she wanted from her family was some attention and consideration. It made me feel enraged and furious to the extreme.

I was at Granny's house for a few days. I decided to return to Melbourne, but not before making plans to see my parents, who had formerly resided in Ranchi. From Patna, I had to catch a bus. I decided to meet my aunt, who was Granny's first daughter-in-law when I got to Patna. This was the lady who had most offended my grandmother. I arrived at her official residence. To begin with, she was shocked to see me there. I slapped her before she could say anything else and left. I was meant to travel to Ranchi, but at that point, my mind gave up. I was moving forward without considering my direction. I eventually discovered myself close to Patna Railway Station. I decided to travel somewhere. The Upasana Express, bound for Dehradun, was at the station. I boarded the train and purchased a ticket. Even I was in the dark when I got to Dehradun.

My life began a new chapter from this point on. I had no idea when my depression had set in. I had no desire to live. I was unwilling to take any action. I wanted to avoid talking to anyone. I had thrown my phone.

I disregarded my placement chances. I had moments when I was quite suicidal. I experienced a smacking sensation of guilt as well. That was not how I was.

I spent the following three months in Rishikesh. I had lost contact with all of them. I used to go to Ganga Arti every day. Met some amazing Saints. Learned a great deal about life. On the other hand, my family filed a missing person's report in Ranchi. The police were doing their best in the investigation because my dad was in the Civil Services. Finally, one lovely day in Rishikesh, it arrived at my place.

When I finally arrived in Ranchi, I saw my family. I discovered that my aunt had kept the slap gate a secret from everyone. As of right moment, only we are aware of this. I'm still hurt by this guilt. But we didn't speak again. 23 years is a long time. Following his retirement, my uncle and aunt travelled around Europe last year. They visited Barcelona as well. They spent three days at my house. I felt very uncomfortable.

I wish I had the bravery to break the ice, but I don't have still. I wish one day would give me a chance to say her "Sorry".

My Granny's loss had impacted me a lot and had a mark on my existence. I used to live alone. I never made friends. I never used to go out on weekend. If someone visited my home, I kept start feeling uncomfortable. I used to travel alone sometimes. I had a very bad relationship with parents. In brief, I was not seeing any reason to live in this world.

I came out of this mental status due to two things. Firstly, I read many spiritual books of different religions and secondly, I adopted 2 dogs. These two things changed my life completely.

I felt that I had so many love that needed to be channelised. I was very happy even if it was one sided. Give love and don't expect the same from others. In case of animals, they were like me. They had love and they knew how to shower it.

Books strengthened my belief that being good is not a bad thing. In spite of facing some rough experience, stay strong and don't change yourself.

Travel also helps you. If you feel low, go somewhere. Meet new people. Learn new cultures, languages and food.

Do chanting for one hour daily.

I feel that after having so many experiences, I can give good advices to people.

Stray strong always and be strong as life is beautiful and it has a purpose. Respect it.