A knife in one hand while the other one bleeds… staring down the building with the voice constantly screaming to jump… consuming large quantities of medicines to kill oneself…

The lowest moments in my life, but in hindsight, the biggest life lessons of all…

I lost almost everything to my mental illness… 

I used to be a bubbly enthusiastic extrovert, with abundance of talent, wit, humour and hope. 

Then everything around me started changing, and i was unable to grasp it…

I was seeing things which weren’t there, i was hearing things which weren’t there, i began having delusions and became insomniac and was so lost because i had no one to talk to. The first few years of my illness, i kept it a secret. Then when i could not handle it anymore, i broke down and finally asked for help after struggling for 3 years… i saw a bunch of doctors and was put on various drugs. But nothing helped. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. My world came crashing down. i had psychosis! And depression and anxiety levels were very very high. The stigma related to psychosis got to me and everything changed.

I had to give up on my aspirations, my outlook, my attitude… trying to lead a normal life whilst dealing with psychosis became the new normal. The pain i was in was unimaginable. Whenever my graph tipped up, it would then come crashing south. There was no solace or peace even for a second. I dealt with ideas of hope, positivity, spirituality, dark energies etc…

The side effects also caused a lot of anguish and physical difficulties. There were times when i had to consume 15-20 pills at a time. 

Over these 10 years, i tried committing suicide a bunch of times. Was admitted in a mental institution where unorthodox treatment were administered. But my condition was clinically treatment resistant…

Now coming to a point where i have not slept peacefully for over a decade, have had continuous evil chantings and visions, overwhelming urges to end my life, and the loneliness as no one would ever understand what i am going through, i have come to the realisation that this is it. This is my life and i have to make the most of it because i have no other option. I cant trade it, and ending it prematurely would just be a waste of beautiful opportunities. I also found my way back to spirituality and would like to say to my fellow warriors that fight on, between you and you, let the positive you win, because the road might be bumpy but ending it short would snatch away the destination and the destination would be worth it…